Nina and Bean as one
6:16 p.m. - 17.06.04
in case you missed this in the guestbook:
"Just have your fun and when your done tearing through their carcasses toss them aside like the shewolf you've become and move on to leaner meats"
well thank you kaila.... had i read this message a few months ago my blood would have rapidly run throughout my entire body and a sense of warmth and pride would have taken me entirely...
.. and though I admit it stirs the animalistic instincts within, I can no longer say it's what I want to do...
Strangely enough I refer to myself in this journal as simply "The Bean".. I am the bean... i am the attitude spunk filled bean.... and yet, I'm not just the bean.... I'm "ninabean"....
.. nina derives from the second man I've ever entirely devoted myself to, being "The ExBoyfriend" whom I've referred to many a times in the past...
"nina" actually pronounced and meant as niņa is of course spanish for "girl"....
girl-- not blood sucking vixen, not a roaring woman.. but a girl... sweet and naive...
and yet we've all associated the Bean with a fiesty creature... the raw, all or nothing flirtatious man eating, sexually charged carefree being....
you mix a girl with the Bean and I stand as the final result.... but alas, i seem to be getting off topic...
believe me, i'm going somewhere with this dammit...
The fact that the first love even made a cameo back into my life has managed to wake up someone I thought had died.
The dreamer who wants the love and romance and the happily-ever-after...
the dreamer who once wanted to start a family.... the girl who envisioned a marriage and a love worth keeping...
the dreamer who had enough self worth to know she deserved to be happy.
To summarize whats happened since the last entry, the FirstLove has since managed to cold shoulder me once again.
I could say I'm not surprised, I've been through this with him before... granted we were both younger then, yet I managed to move on.... the difference between then and now is that I dont have the time nor the patience to wait nor chase... no allow me to correct that,
I refuse to offer the time and patience for this man.
my reflections on what I want out of a relationship are not based on him as a man... rather based on what he and I shared as one.
I know it exists, perhaps it may no longer exist with him but it exists and I'm worth finding it again.
Yes, I know everyone must be wondering whats going on with the "Bean"... is she losing her touch? has she forgotten how much men lie, cheat and decieve? has she turned into this big piece of fluff now at the mercy of man??
.... yes... yes she has...
no wait.. I mean... no... hell no she hasn't.
she's merely realizing she deserves to be happy and tossing men aside once she's done with them serves only as a temporary happiness... a temporary boost of self pride... a temporary power trip...
.. until now I've failed to grasp the concept that power trips are short lived... they lead you into the cycle of hunting prey after prey, so to speak...
I've questioned repeatedly why the FirstLove was brought back into my life... theres a purpose, a reason... i'm starting to realize the reason may not have anything to do with "us" at all...
perhaps he was the only one who could re-awaken the girl I thought had died...
... and perhaps his job is done... he could disappear off the face of the earth again and though it would mean losing that romantic idea that this was something that was meant to be...
i'd still have to be thankful that he made me remember....
But fear not my little ones. I've not lost the Bean touch when it comes to humor, wit, or attitude....
Until I find that right man I will continue to date, I will continue to update and I will continue to make you all thankful your not as neurotic as this little Bean....
... thank you and Good Night....